Anne Claire's research
Palliative care… I’m trying to find the words to write down all that has been going through my head for the last three years…. There is so much!
I had a termination for medical reasons on 11/12/02, the baby had an anencephaly. When the ultrasound showed that our baby had a malformation, I did not understand straight away that it was lethal. I said we could keep him, that he would be just different. I often think of my own words when I leant the worst. I believe that if the doctor had really listened to us (well listened to me… Hadrien the father was rather silent….) then she would not have spoken about a termination straight away. She might have proposed something else, a different path.
Several times over the following three days I repeated my refusal of a termination and looking for an alternative solution again. In the genetician’s office. I asked whether it wouldn’t be “better” to let things run their course, continue the pregnancy…. He replied that he didn’t know, that in his opinion it wasn’t possible, that in any case he had never heard of it….. I looked for ethical, humane answers, I asked him in the name of what right did one, he, we, have the right to end a life… He talked about a green plant (talking obviously about our baby!), of the foetus who did not feel anything anyway since he did not have a brain… He did not see the point of continuing a pregnancy “for nothing”. We were not talking the same language.
This was Friday, late afternoon. He fixed us an appointment for taking the pills on Monday morning, saying that we were not obliged to come, but that there was no point dragging things out…..
After leaving his office, I went to the hospital chapel. No I am not religious, but I was desperately looking for something that would go my way, someone who would tell me what I needed to hear. I was persuaded that a priest could not tell me that a termination was the only unique solution. I was wrong.
Once again, I was alone. The same discourse from the gynaecologist. For everyone, the question did not seem to be asked. In any case, this baby would not live, and moreover he was so small (13 weeks), they must have thought that it would be much less painful to do it now rather than wait. We had a problem, our baby had a problem, and they had THE solution to get rid of the problem (rapidly).
On Friday evening, I phoned an association for parents who had lost a baby at birth…. The person was very nice. We talked for a long time… no, she had never regretted it. I also managed to talk to the psy by phone for a few minutes. I told her about my interrogations, about my fear of regretting it (and deep down I knew that I would regret it, that I would have great difficulty in living with this decision)….. She said that it was up to me to make the decision but that whatever my choice, she would be there to help me. I could have latched onto her words, but it was too little. I still felt just as alone.
To embark on this path, I realise now that I needed more. Maybe stories of mothers who had made this choice. In my entourage, I was really the only one to envisage this possibility, of rejecting a termination (not because I was in denial of the mourning that would have to be done and that I did not want to lose my baby, but because the termination simply did not correspond to my way of seeing life). Hadrien….. I have this image of him on the verge of tears, really suffering when I talked to him about continuing the pregnancy…. It seemed insurmountable. But I am sure today, that with time and support, he could also have envisaged this path. And of course, I was scared… and moreover I was young (24 years old, Hadrien was going to be 22) and… and…. All of those “valid” reasons that we wanted to find. Despite everything I felt deep down, I did it.
For three years, I had this feeling of guilt, the sensation that I had made the wrong decision, and above all this terrible feeling that all my ideas on life, my “convictions” (the fact that all forms of life are precious) had no sense in the end. So during these last three years, I battled with mixed feelings… trying to accept the termination as being the best decision there was to take, the only one…. But how could I accept that when everything in me said the opposite…?
Impossible to talk about it. Already talking about a baby of 13 weeks does not have much sense for most people, so talking about continuing a pregnancy for such a case, had even less…
Hadrien, my mother or the gynaecologist that we went back to see said that I fantasised about this pregnancy, that the moments I imagined I would have shared with my baby during the pregnancy would not have existed, because I would surely have been too distressed, that the baby would have surely suffered, that I was simply refusing what had happened to us.
No. I read a few weeks ago the book “A child for eternity” and... revelation. This path exists, it is possible, and even very beautiful. Everything seemed natural when reading it. Everything seemed obvious. Because for me, the journey of life starts at the beginning of the pregnancy. My baby had begun his journey. It was going to be short, but I could have let him make the most of the time he had. I think he was fine in my womb, that he was not suffering. Little Tom could have lived some wonderful things. Shared a bit of our life from his small bubble.
I know it would have been very difficult, and maybe I would not have been strong enough. At the same time I have the impression that for the last three years I have needed enormous strength to accept the choice that I made, to rebuild myself with this regret, within this suffering. The termination of my pregnancy has not brought me peace, it was not a solution for me and I know now that I will never be able to accept it. Just live with it. But thanks to the book “A child for eternity” I know that my ides are not idealistic or irresponsible. On the contrary. Hadrien and I have talked a lot and I think that now he too sees things the same way.
My second pregnancy (very close) was very hard: I was carrying a child, but I had the impression that at the slightest problem we would interrupt his life. It made no sense.
Today I am pregnant again and at peace. I have found an answer. I am ready to accompany my baby, whatever his journey may be. I will not make the same mistake again. I will listen to myself… and that will be the main thing.
Three years ago no doctor talked to us about palliative care… And they didn’t even listen to us when I talked about it.
I think most people say to themselves that a termination at the beginning of a pregnancy is an act which is much less painful than a late termination or losing a baby at birth. And perhaps most parents feel the same way. But not all of them.
That is also why the doctors rushed into things, because each additional day of pregnancy was for them an additional day of suffering, a day which would be a burden later, whilst it was actually a day “won” for little Tom, an additional day of sharing.
We didn’t have enough time. If we had taken the time, we could have met the psy, talked for a long time with her before taking our decision….. maybe that would have changed things….
