Life death and mourning

By welcoming one’s little one in this way, a birth will be lived first of all with all the intense moments of emotion and even joy.

The presence of other children has been anticipated as well as the organisation of the birth place to allow the mother to stay as close to her baby as possible, surrounded by her family.
Everyone has his own way of expressing family life. No one can have a way a doing things imposed.  Nevertheless, certain elements are sufficiently important to be pointed out: plan some clothes for the baby, bring a camera to keep memories of the birth, have the footprints of the baby printed… all this allows this time to be deeply rooted in reality and souvenirs to be kept.

Staff at the maternity, in the neonatal service or paediatric service are there to help parents accompany their child.
Palliative care has been practised for a long time in paediatric services and will benefit the baby after birth: the objective of the care is to ensure the baby’s "comfort" as much as possible, in full consultation with the parents. As for any child, the essential needs are satisfied, with as large a family presence as possible.

Contrary to parents’ fears, death is not necessarily a synonym with violence. In the event of signs of stress or discomfort, it is possible to use analgesic medicines or sedatives: there is in no case question of euthanasia or extraordinary therapeutic treatment, but accompanying your little one to the end of his or her life without suffering.
In many cases, the baby goes gently to sleep due to its fragility, and death can occur peacefully in the arms of the parents.

Even if we prepare for the final moment, we are never really ready! However, there is a certainty on which parents can rely, that of knowing that the medical staff will be there to help them live through this painful time and some will reveal themselves to be treasures of humanity.

Everyone has his own way of mourning: it is possible to see the baby after his or her death and take time to say goodbye, with all the family if this is wished. A religious ceremony can be organised at the hospital or in the family’s usual place of worship, as can a baptism which can be carried out at the time of birth.
Personal interviews with the maternity psychologist or exchanges with other parents having experienced the death of a baby can be offered: this aims to bring support in order to get through the painful separation time and allow getting back to life without creating dependency.

 

born and died on 27th September 2005

In certain cases, the baby will not die straight away because his or her illness or deformity does not present an immediately fatal form. Whilst the majority of children will die in the hours or days following birth, some children « survive » several weeks, months or even years... as can occur in the world of adults for example faced with cancer.

It is important to know that palliative care can be practised in the neonatal service and can be given to the baby after birth.
Accompanying a new born and his or her mother, even the family, will be carried out at the maternity or in a medical neonatal service. The objective of the palliative care is to ensure the baby’s comfort as much as possible.

Of course, planning this care will be determined in full consultation with the parents.
Even before birth, it is necessary to meet the paediatrician who will be in charge of the baby in order to discuss and put in place a care plan together.

 

As for all children, the needs of the baby will of course be satisfied: mother’s presence, warmth, nourishment. Within this framework, curative treatments will be considered to be unreasonable obstinacy and will usually not be undertaken: acts of reanimation, surgical acts, and some medical treatments. However, medicine aiming to relieve pain will of course be given if necessary.

If the medical situation of the baby is stable, a return home can be considered in consultation with the medical team and the parents who will have been prepared for it. It can be done progressively, for a day, a weekend and then a few days. This return can have a very important meaning for family life, for siblings, the parents and people close to them.

 

The baby is recognised in time and in the family space and the memories of this period will be very rich and meaningful after the death.

Medical observation of the baby will continue to be ensured during the following period. Telephone contact and appointments at the hospital, home visits by a paediatric palliative care service can be organised for the baby. In the event of family exhaustion, faced with a context which is hard to assume, respite hospitalisations can also be envisaged. All emergency situations have to be able to be anticipated and organised, whilst specifying that, once the terminal phase is faced, at the end of life, reanimation will not be undertaken.

Whatever the circumstances, the parents need to feel supported and surrounded by the medical team following their child.

The death of the baby can occur at home, but it can also be better if it occurs at hospital in order to avoid any stressful situations in the event of « discomfort » for their child at the end of his or her life as well as all feelings of guilt faced with something they do not totally control. This also allows parents to be supported by professionals in a particularly trying period.

 Read Bénédicte’s story

who accompanied her daughter for 3 months